The Lo Mein Substitute You've Probably Been Missing Your Whole Life

This is a grandiose title. I'll admit it. But if you're the kind of person who thinks vegetables make a suitable substitution for pasta, read on!
You will need:
1.25 cups RAW broccoli slaw. No sauces, no nuts, nothing. Just straight up broccoli slaw
1 tsp healthy fat. I used olive oil, but coconut would be great, too
3/4 cup frozen mixed veggies (I used Bird's Eye pasta primavera mix)
Kraft Lite Toasted Sesame dressing- I used around 1-2 tsp
Heat your oil in a skillet on med-high heat. When it starts to sizzle, throw in your slaw and veggies and stir it around enough to get a decent coating of oil on everything. You can keep stirring, or you can let the mix rest for a minute or so, to get some nice color and searing action. But don't let it sit for too long! Thirty to sixty seconds should achieve the desired result. Repeat the stir-sear-stir process until you are happy with the results (about 10 minutes, you wouldn't want still frozen vegetables.) Now, drizzle on the dressing, stir again to coat, and serve up your lovely plate of stir fry!
If you are serving no other sides, I would say this serves one. But if you are having a larger meal, it should serve 2. Other options include adding some shrimp or bay scallops or imitation crab to the mix about halfway through cooking (small scallops, if that's what you go with!) Some almond slivers, water chestnuts or scallions wouldn't suck, either.
So it might not be exactly like lo mein, but it has the right elements- slightly noodly, bits of crunchy veggies, a slight hint of grease. But so, so much better!

Hummus is Yummus Chicken

I dedicate this recipe to my bestie, Dinnah. She's a pescatarian, and will likely never even eat this version of the recipe, but if not for her, I may never have had hummus. And I probably wouldn't forever associate the words hummus and yummus. So this is for ewe, Dinnah! <3 I'm trying to come up with fat and salt free options to season my chicken while doing TAGT. I have a few salt free seasonings, a couple of Southwestern ones from Mrs. Dash that frankly, I do not like unless they are added to other things. Like chili. Or brown sugar. I'm weird. I might have them mostly because they were the only options available at the time. My other option is a tiny jar of Sunny Spain from Penzey's, which is their salt free lemon pepper seasoning. It's such a basic option for flavoring a "healthy" meal, but that doesn't have to mean boring. For this recipe, I decided to pair this seasoning with some roasted red pepper hummus- thinking tangy will go well with tangy. As for the fat content- yes, hummus has fat. A serving is 2 tablespoons, which contains 3-4 grams of fat. I figured, I could use a small amount and get the flavor punch I wanted, for minimal fat. And I have to say, .6 grams of fat for an entire piece of chicken is no dealbreaker for me. I'll shut up now. On to the food!

You will need:

• 1 frozen boneless, skinless chicken breast
• 3/4 tsp hummus (I used Fresh Hummus Co. Roasted Red Pepper)
• 1/2 tsp salt free lemon pepper seasoning (I used Penzey's Sunny Spain)
• 1/4 tsp onion powder
• 1/2 tsp minced, dried onion

Preheat oven to 375 F.

Cover shallow baking dish with tinfoil (or not, if you have nonstick baking dishes.) Place chicken breast in dish. Sprinkle on lemon pepper and onion powder seasonings. Measure hummus, and rub onto surface of chicken. I wound up kind of making a paste-like rub out of the hummus and spices. When you are satisfied with the spread, sprinkle the onion flakes on top. Bake for 40-50 minutes (I actually made two, and baked them for about an hour, with great results.)

This makes a lovely, tangy piece of chicken, and the chicken I have prepared using this method has all come out nice and juicy. For you pescetarians out there, I can tell you Sunny Spain is great on tilapia. Just sprinkle some on the fish, make a topping out of feta and chopped, seeded tomatoes, and bake. Penzey's Pasta Sprinkle (another salt free option, btw) is also good mixed into the fish topping. Hope you try these and enjoy!

Apple Pie Oatmeal

I'm not going to pretend I made up the whole concept of this oatmeal. I did, however, come up with this particular version of it (by throwing stuff into a pot one morning; that's how I like to cook!) The nutritional stats I got by entering the recipe into MyFitnessPal. If you don't like oatmeal because it's always been more like oatmush to you, I suggest trying this. Especially with the steel-cut, because it has a thicker, chewier texture that has a more pleasing mouthfeel for some people. Squishy food. I completely understand and share the aversion. Even better, this makes about 4 servings, so it's a pretty quick breakfast option- just heat and go. (not so much quick the morning you make it, of course. But the mornings after, those are heat 'n go.) Hope you enjoy!

You will need:

• 1 cup Steel Cut Oats (I used Quaker)
• 3 small apples (used Red Delicious, but any small 2-2.5" diameter apples will work)
• 1.5 scoops Vanilla Whey powder (used Body Fortress brand)
• 8 tsp unpacked brown sugar
• 1/2 TBSP ground cinnamon (or use apple pie spice mix)
• 4 cups water

Bring water to boil in medium pot. Meanwhile, core and chop apples into bite-sized pieces (you can leave the skin on if you prefer it; I peeled mine.) When the water has reached boiling, stir in the oats, and return to a boil. Then stir in the whey powder, apple chunks, sugar and cinnamon (and a pinch of salt, if you like) and reduce heat to medium-low. Cook, uncovered, for 20-30 more minutes, stirring often, until it reaches desired texture/consistency. Serves 4. Keeps for one week covered in fridge. Just add a splash of milk, stir and microwave for about a minute on high.

4 servings- 269 calories- 48g carbohydrates- 3g fat- 15g protein- 34mg sodium- 16g sugar

If you don't like brown sugar, feel free to substitute with maple syrup, agave, stevia, whichever sweetener you like! Or you could even go without, and let the apples and oatmeal speak for themselves (so to speak.) I just divide the oatmeal between 4 containers (sorry, I don't have specific measurements, I just put equal spoonfuls into each container until it's all divided equally.)

I love oatmeal, and even though it can be time consuming, it's an inexpensive, satisfying and endlessly customizable breakfast option. If you prefer other fruits to apples, try cooking the oatmeal plain, then stirring in a tablespoon of Polaner All-Fruit to your bowl (I love doing this. And I usually add cinnamon to it, in general.) The Polaner is also good stirred into a cup of plain yogurt.

Try this recipe? Like it? Need some tweaking? Let me know!

Summer Favorites

Being a chubbster, one can (correctly) assume, I am no fan of the heat. Humidity makes me want to punch kittens. Combine the two, and you've got yourself the right conditions for Satan's taint. Oh don't act shocked I said taint in a public place, you should hear me cursing at the self checkouts in WalMart. That said, there are some things I do actually kind of like about the season- swimming, camping, the warm breezes at night, and looking forward to fall. Which, let's face it, is my main object of seasonal adoration. Sweaters and boots and corduroy, yes please.

That said, here is my list of things I have enjoyed this past summer. Not that it's over yet. And not that I'm not wishing it were. I've come to accept it as a part of life, and maybe, just maybe, when I am a more fit person, I will enjoy it more, because the minute I am of a proportionate height/weight/muscle combo, I will parade naked. Or, at the very least, in a cute, skimpy outfit, because, why not? Here's the list :)

• Queso con Mambo, Sao Paulo's, Austin. I could eat this frequently and not get tired. Fatter, sure, but I'm seriously debating whether or not that is a bad thing.
• Youtube beauty vloggers. ThatGirlShaeXO. Vintage orTacky. Grav3yardgirl. Leighannsays. XSparkage. Dkycutie78. Not my entire list of channels I've subscribed to, but these ladies make up the bulk of my watching time. I want a cupcakes and makeup party with them for Christmas.
• Not Your Mother's Beach Babe Texturizing Sea Salt spray. It smells really nice. It does provide texture, like bedhead, imho, and it will bring out any natural curl you have. Since I have little to none of that, I've used it before twisting my hair into 2 sections on top of my head, and going to sleep like that. The next morning, I have mermaid-worthy waves/curls. Sadly, I tried to make them stick around with NYM'S volumizing hair spray. Not a good plan. So yes, this works, I like it, but if you want the look you're after to stick around, use some good old fashioned max hold hairspray with it.
• Pastel Nails. I'm pale, and probably shouldn't wear neon colors. So my nails have mostly rocked the summer as though it were still spring. Except for the weeks I've worn Sally Hansen Complete Manicure in Mermaid's Tale. Let's just all agree now, summer= mermaids, mmkay? I also love Zoya's Pixie Dust in Liberty. I love blues hues.
• I've really enjoyed smelling like Pacifica's Wakiki Pikake (which I also scored a tube of the body butter @ TJ Maxx recently for $8!), Ulta's Creamy Coolada Crackling Sparkle Mousse and Dragonfruit Parfait lotion, and Escada Especially, despite the fact that it is not too long-lasting. It's light and sparkling and pretty, which is perfect for summer really, it's just got the lasting power of a sparkler. And as always, Pacifica's Island Vanilla, which is good year-round in my world.
• When I've applied my face, I've reached for my Naked 2 and Fun palettes, a Wet n' Wild mascara, the name of which escapes me (released earlier this year I think. Skinny, purple tube. Lengthening, I am almost positive), Pacifica's Berry Guava lip balm, Nyx Matte Lip Cream in Milan, Nyx Retractable liner in Deep purple, shadows in aqua/teal shades, and Palladio blotting papers. A few new items to this (meaning, I just got them within the last 2 weeks) are Nyx's Butter gloss, a Revlon Kissable Balm Stain, and Rimmel's Stay Glossy 3D gloss. I love the Nyx glosses, especially Strawberry Parfait on top of the Balm Stain in Sweetheart. It's a bold, hot pink, which I would have to say is my other lip signature for the summer so far.
• Accessory-wise, I've gone from dangling earrings to smaller (but not tiny) ones. My favorites are a pair shaped like anchors, in a blue and white stripe, that remind me of something Betsey Johnson would have designed. The others are some pyramid and round studs, of varying degrees of sparkle, that I got at Lane Bryant (which, your size or not, they have some seriously cute jewelry.)
• On the tv, Breaking Bad. Almost nothing but. I would get into a show just before its final season, but my god, chemistry and meth and crime after crime have never been so interesting to me before. I still have the occasional fling with the trash coming out of TLC, and the new Arrested Development episodes on Netflix. Netflix is usually it, as far as my viewing habits go. Oh, and True Blood, except I think Jesus doesn't want me to watch it during any season of it. I saw the first two episodes, then no more satellite until last week. Just in time for the last two. No spoilers, but seriously?! What the hell, True Blood? What the hell?

I think this about wraps up my summer favorites, and what a long list! Which is probably a good thing. Maybe my days of summer grumpiness are soon to be a memory. I am hoping, by next summer, we'll have moved to Austin, I will be in a better place, physically, and I discover plenty more favorites to share :) Hope you have had an exciting summer!

A Visit to Dinnah

Some days you just need to punch someone in their teeth. Sadly, this isn't always the best idea (if, for instance, you actually kind of like the person you sometimes want to slug) so let's pretend I am not giving that as "good advice for relieving stress." Forgotten? Good. Since I was having one of those days last week, I decided a quick getaway was in order. So I went to my first choice, mom and dad's. Which would be great, except their idea of good food is chicken strips 3 ways, and they have spiders. Huge spiders. No thank you sir. After a day, I'd had enough of the wilderness of my childhood home, and decided to head further south to visit my bff, whom I call Dinnah, even though she prefers Anna. She accepts she will forever be Dinnah, and this is part of why I keep her around.

If you have never been to Lafayette, La, you should drop what you're doing and make plans to go. Now. Sure, everyone knows about New Orleans, and N.O. is just fine, sure, but Lafayette is like that, but without the sewage smell. (this will piss people off, but to me, New Orleans has always smelled like toilet. Sorry...that New Orleans smells...) Ok, and there is no French Quarter, no Bourbon Street, no crazy, touristy attractions that I know of. Really, if you want good food and entertainment and not to feel like a total fish out of water, you want Laffy. I <3 Lafayette. I could come here just for the grocery stores and still consider my trip a smashing, riotous good time. I found Maggi seasoning here! That was a big, huge deal to me, but I'm a bit nerdy. And I really need that bottle of Maggi seasoning. If they had a Penzey's here, I'd make plans to relocate, pdq.

Most of this trip has found me alone at Dinnah's while she's at work, which is fine as I'm awesome at self-entertaining (and have been since long before smart phones came along, so ha.) I have ventured out into traffic alone, which could be terrifying (the drivers here are my only complaint. They're awful. Slow the hell down and remove your phone from your head and your head from your ass, you're no more important than anyone else on this road, I'd like to get my groceries and back home in one piece please and thanks.) However, I braved it alone/with gps, and made it back. Success. I made it there and back and with macarons. Triple success. Sucre macarons. Move over, space explorers, I just discovered shit that will blow you out of orbit. So, maybe the current macaron craze is overrated. You could probably spread cold fudge frosting on the flat side of a meringue kiss and voila, trailer park macaron. Problem is, those are not fancy, Marie Antoinette did not have access to the Pilsbury Doughboy's hydrogenated, chocolately wares, and I don't live in a damn trailer park. You go for the real ones when you want to feel fancy; you eat the knockoffs when you're willing to debase yourself for the nine dollars it takes just to get six of those bad boys.

How do I know you get six for $9? I'm really, really good at math. Really. 

This trip hasn't been all "Who the bleep Did I Marry?!" marathons and fancy French cookies; no. There has also been jalapeno kettle chips, cheese pizza, cheese pizza rolls, raspberry danish, lots of yogurt, Amy's macaroni and cheese, and these two bits of awesome-

Athena's lentil soup. I had not had lentil soup before I had this lentil soup, and the ones since are not as good. Our tradition is lunch or dinner at Athena's soon after arrival. I get a chicken shawerma wrap. We split a plate of halloumi, we laugh, have extremely loud conversations, talk about who would be most put off by getting a hookah for Christmas/birthday/just because, and generally catch up on everything, because we don't see each other often enough. P.s., if you ever hear someone complain they wasted money on halloumi cheese because "it doesn't melt like it's supposed to," laugh your ass off at them, and don't feel bad. Then break out some food snob knowledge and be like "you raging buffoon, you grill it, not melt it. Melting ain't what it's made for." They might not thank you for dropping that wisdom bomb, but do you really wanna hang out with someone who spends ten dollars on a block of perfectly good cheese that they had no idea wasn't for melting, then bitched about it? No? Me neither. Anyway, Athena's- yes please. They also have fruit and nut Toblerone, and for that, my firstborn may well be named Athena.

Shrimp fajitas! These were actually supposed to be quesadillas, but some random act of miscommunication (and not the language barrier, tyvm) sent this massive pile of fajitas our way. So, so good, but Dinnah and I agree, no more shrimp for 85 years, at least. I had a similar experience this past Easter with seafood enchiladas. A recipe I should really post, as they were so tasty, but also so rich that I could only eat one. Normally, I'm a 2-3 enchilada gal. But normal enchiladas aren't full of crab and shrimp and chiles verde and Cacique crema and tons of cheese. I just gained 3 pounds typing that. 

So my time here has almost come to an end, I can't be mad, or sleep on Dinnah's couch forever, and I miss Sophie. And I have some fruit back home that is begging to be made into something yummy. If you have a bff in a faraway place, you should make plans to see them. Bonus points if you don't visit/text/call often. Go now, they probably have really good Greek food  waiting for you!